god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
