So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
where does the pee come out of this thing
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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