I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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