I accidentally had phone sex last night
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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