went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
