Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
