billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So squirting runs in the family.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
