Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
