the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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