Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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