she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
