you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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