I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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