We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So vagazzling was a success
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
