I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
