if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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