It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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