So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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