There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
