I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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