found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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