it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
