ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
