My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
