omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
