we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
