Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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