He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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