conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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