You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
