And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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