i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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