as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
