im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
