I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
