Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
