I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
