I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
