There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
