non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
