im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
