Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
