At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
