i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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