An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
