I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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