Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
