oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
