I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So much Jack, so little girl.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
