So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
