Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
