Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
