i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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