no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
