My first STD was from a foam party
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
