i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
