conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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