I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
