Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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