i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
