Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
