Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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